Hip hop night. Closing time. Knuckleheads who couldn’t get into the club loitered across the street. Punks without a post-club coital date turned into parking lot pimps. Idiots drunk, high or a combination of both. Dumbfucks with guns.

I stood my post at the front door. Tense. Anticipating.

Yelling and cursing in the parking lot across the street. Posturing. Two idiots “motherfucking” each other. Three gunshots silenced one motherfucker. The crowd scattered like cockroaches. Cars spilled out of the parking lot, sped towards the freeway.

One Jeep Cherokee remained in the lot, passenger door wide open, crimson puddle underneath. Groaning from inside the car.

I approached the car. A fat black man in the passenger seat bled, arm hanging limp by his side. Blood trickled from his seat, slowly made its way to the growing blood pool on the ground. I asked: “Where’d you get hit?”

“Yo man, nigga shot me in the motherfucking ass!”

I bit my tongue, tried not to laugh.

Tags: blood · hip hop · nightclub · shooting

Here are some true stories from around the State of California and beyond. I didn’t write ’em, but I know you’ll get a kick out of reading ’em.

Thinking Ahead

A Gardena police officer had detained a man for loitering when the man said, “Quick, read me my rights.” “Why?” inquired the officer. “Because I have a gun in my pants, and it’s sliding down my leg, and in about two seconds it’s gonna hit the ground.”

More Quick Thinking

In Des Moines, a 93-year-old woman surprised a burglar who had just broken into her home. Thinking fast, the woman pretended she was senile: “Oh, it’s good to see you again, Henry. Sit down and watch TV while I make you some lunch.” “Sounds good,” said the burglar. While he was enjoying a peanut butter sandwich, the woman excused herself and dialed 911. Officers say she was laughing uncontrollably as officers burst in and handcuffed the guy.

Your Objection is Noted

At a juvenile detention hearing on a bank robbery charge, the DA had just called the bank teller to the stand. As the teller sat down, the juvenile yelled, “Objection! That’s not the teller I robbed!”

Oh, Really

A robbery detective in Oakland was giving instructions to the men who were taking part in a lineup. “When your number is called take one stop forward and say, ‘Don’t move. Give me your purse.’” When the suspect’s number was called, he stepped forward and said, “But that’s not what I told her.”

Fun and Games with Radar

A man in Kirkland, Washington decided to test the accuracy of the city’s new radar sign that warns motorists how fast they are driving. So he drove to the end of the street, turned around–and hit the gas! The sign showed he was going 59 mph, so he looked down at his speedometer and was impressed that it, too, showed he was doing 59. Unfortunately, at this point he lost control of the car and crashed into the sign, destroying it and his car.

These stories were printed in the Spring, Summer and Winter 2007 editions of Point of View, a publication of the Alameda County District Attorney’s Office.

Tags: burglar · lawyer · police · robber

It was another busy night for the car prowler. He slowly cruised through residential neighborhoods, looking for cars owned by fools naive enough to leave their goodies on their dashboards or seats. His modus operandi was simple: smash and grab. He used a punch tool to silently shatter car windows, and his mitts to grab the goods.

Things were going good for the thief until he saw a pair of headlights in his rear view mirror. He was being tailed. Probably by someone wanting to be a hero. A goddamn vigilante. He had just the thing to scare the average residential do-gooder–a pellet gun that looked exactly like a 9mm Beretta.

The car prowler sped up and made a couple of left turns. His pursuer kept pace. He slowed down at a wide intersection, stopped and slowly got out of his car with the pellet gun in hand. He turned around, attempted to level the pellet gun at the silhouette of his pursuer.

A bright flash of light was the last thing the thief saw before hitting the pavement. He died without hearing the gunshot that killed him.

Tags: burglar · death · shooting

The ringing doorbell caught the old woman by surprise. She wasn’t expecting any company–especially from three gypsy women and an infant. Hesitantly, the old woman opened her door. The three gypsies greeted the old lady as if they’d known her for years and entered.

Two of the visitors engaged the old woman in conversation. “Look at little Maria,” said one of the gypsies as she shoved the infant into the old woman’s arms. “Hasn’t she gotten big?”

The old woman searched her memories for the strangers in her home, but had no recollection of any of them. When the infant started crying, one of the gypsy women declared that her menstrual cycle was starting, excused herself and proceeded to the restroom.

Several minutes later, the menstruating gypsy returned to the living room. One of the gypsies retrieved the baby from the old woman. The gypsies thanked the old lady for her hospitality and left as casually as they entered.

As the gypsies drove away in their nondescript minivan, the old woman discovered that her bedroom had been ransacked and at least $15,000 worth of heirloom jewelry had been heisted from her jewelry box. She would never see the gypsies, or her jewelry, again.

Tags: conned · gypsies · parenting · theft

There’s a guy I know who lives in a shady part of town. The other night, he woke up to the sound of some little shithead breaking into his car. He looked out his window, verified that it was indeed his car that was being violated, quickly got dressed and ran outside to confront the criminal.

The car burglar saw my acquaintance coming and ran across the street and jumped into the passenger seat of a getaway car. This acquaintance of mine–who fears no one–opened the passenger door and began pummeling the car burglar with both of his fists. The kid definitely got a good beating.

While the car burglar was being punched, he yelled out to the driver, “Come on, mom! Hurry up and drive!” The car burglar’s mother, in fear for her criminal son’s safety, punched the gas and sped off.

Tags: burglar · parenting