Mar 24

Sorry for the lack of updates. There’s no excuse for the neglect, but I have my reasons.

The details will bore you, so I won’t keep running my mouth. Overtime at my regular job. Moonlighting to supplement my income. A new relationship.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love to write. But I love spending time with the lady. She’s one classy doll. Easy on the eyes. And I’m crazy about her. Unlike the computer monitor I’m staring at right now. Which means I’d rather be looking at her, see?

I’ll be getting around to posting here when I get around to it. But don’t worry. I ain’t throwing in the towel. I still like entertaining all of you crazy mugs.

See ya when I see ya.

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Jan 26

Jim’s divorce was the best thing that could have happened to him. The only problem was that he still had feelings for The Ex.

Two years after they parted ways, Jim bumped into The Ex at his favorite watering hole. She struck up a conversation. He was receptive. They left the bar together, rekindled an old flame.

About month later, The Ex had news: “I’m pregnant.” Jim was elated.

Seven months passed. The Ex dropped the load. A healthy baby boy with a strong resemblance to The Ex. Everyone was happy. Jim didn’t seem to notice that the timing was a little off. A passing thought: Why doesn’t the baby look anything like me? But babies change fast. Jim dismissed the thought.

Two years later. The Ex never went back to work. Jim got stuck supporting her and the baby. The boy got bigger. Changed every day. Yet no resemblance to Jim. Doubt crept into his head. Only one way to be sure.

The blood test revealed that Jim was not the baby’s father.

Who was baby daddy? Good question. Jim snooped around. Discovered that The Ex had been fooling around with an unemployed ex-con before he hooked up with her again. Abortion was out of the question. She knew that Jim was still into her. And he was gainfully employed. The Ex planned the chance encounter at the bar. Created the illusion that the baby was Jim’s.

Jim confronted The Ex with facts. Told her that he was going to sue her for all the money she’d sucked out of him for the past two years. The Ex filed for bankruptcy. Jim never saw a dime.

Even worse than being bamboozled for his money was the fact that the baby’s first word was “daddy.”

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Dec 04

Closing time. I sat at the bar, sipping my scotch, waiting for security to get all the drunks out of the club. My head was somewhere up in the stale cigarette smoke, which lingered near the ceiling like fog. She approached me from behind, stood at my side and playfully nudged my shoulder with hers. “Where have you been all night?” she asked.

“If I knew you were looking for me, I woulda made myself easier to find.” I nudged her back and smiled. I had no idea she was even in the club. It had been a busy night. She didn’t come in early, otherwise I would have spotted her, which meant she came late and had to wait in line to get in. All she had to do was drop my name to bypass the crowd, but she didn’t. You had to love a dame like that. “Have a seat. Cool your heels for a while. Pick your poison.”

She scanned the rows of bottles from one end of the bar to the other, then quickly decided on a gin and tonic. I went behind the bar and mixed the drink, then placed it in front of her before returning to my seat. We clinked our glasses.

It was about three months prior that she’d walked through my doors. She wasn’t your run of the mill club chick getting wasted on a Saturday night. Nightclubs weren’t her thing. Her girlfriends were on a bar hopping campaign and she was conscripted for their mission.

When I bumped into her at the bar that night, it felt like Cupid stuck me with everything he had in his arsenal. We talked to each other as if the crowd didn’t exist. The drunks stumbled past us and the typical Saturday night drama unfolded around us, but I was too engrossed in our conversation to care.

I introduced myself late in the conversation, and before she could do the same, I was whisked away by one of my bouncers to address an emergency near the kitchen. Meanwhile, she disappeared with her girlfriends. Probably off to another one of the dozens of other gin joints in the area.

As the weeks turned into months, I started losing any hope of her wandering through my doors again. And just when I stopped hoping, there she was. We exchanged the obligatory pleasantries, then made small talk for a while. When our conversation came to a pause, she hit me with the news: “I’m moving out to New York tomorrow.”

I’m sure the smile on my face couldn’t mask my disappointment. I could sense that she also wished things could be a little different. She grabbed a cocktail napkin from the bar and a pen from her purse. After carefully writing her name and number on the napkin, she put it in my hands.

I tried reading her name, unable to pronounce it at first. She looked into my eyes, told me her name and repeated it slowly. “Don’t worry,” I told her, smiling, holding her fingers in my hands. “I won’t forget your name.”

“This number will be good for a few weeks. I know I’ll be in a different time zone, but I won’t mind staying up for your call.” She smiled, kissed my cheek, stepped back and looked at me before slowing turning around and walking out the door. I watched as she rejoined her girlfriends outside. She looked back one last time, waved and disappeared.

After turning back around on my stool, I poured myself another drink. I thought about what might happen if I dialed her number. The worst case scenario was love, which was something I couldn’t afford to fall into. Especially with a girl in a different time zone.

Maybe it was a good thing that she was moving away–it helped me to see things in Technicolor. I had business to run. A crew depending on me for work. What was I going to do? Fly back and forth across the country and play the sap for some dame I barely even knew?

I looked up at the ceiling. The fog-like mist of stale cigarette smoke was gone, and my feet were once again firmly planted to the floor. After lighting up a cigarette with a match, I watched the flickering flame for a moment before setting the cocktail napkin on fire.

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Nov 14

As I made my rounds through the nightclub, I spotted an off-duty cop by the name of Pete sitting at a booth near the main bar. Sitting opposite Pete was a guy I’d never seen before. Pete saw me and waved me over. I took a seat next to Pete, who introduced me to his buddy Joe.

Joe was a lawyer turned cop turned back to lawyer. Before he wore a badge, Joe drove a fancy car and lived in an overpriced downtown condo with his trophy wife. After four years of lawyering, he decided to trade in his designer suits for a blue uniform.

Along with the gun and badge came a pay cut. This was not something that the trophy wife signed up for when she decided to marry Joe. A cop’s salary would not do. The relationship went sour. About a month after he graduated from the academy, Joe’s trophy wife caught him in an extramarital affair and promptly divorced him.

The trophy wife got herself a high-powered divorce attorney to represent her. By the time they were done raking him over the coals, Joe’s paychecks were so heavily garnished that his net salary was $3.93 per paycheck. How the rookie cop was supposed to live off of $7.86 a month was of no consequence to the man-hating judge.

Joe barely made probation. He was plenty book smart, but the streets got the better of him. Although he loved being a cop, Joe knew that he made a better lawyer. Six months after making probation, he turned in his gun and badge and went back to lawyering.

A year after Joe left the force, his trophy ex-wife found herself another gravy train. Joe’s paychecks were no longer subject to garnishment. With much more than seven bucks and some change at the end of each month, he was able to go out and enjoy the single life. It was his quest for good times that led him to my spot.

Joe’s odyssey left me speechless. The man had been to hell and back. I ordered us a round of cognac to celebrate his return. We chased the cognac with scotch. I gritted my teeth on a new cigarette and lit up. “How does it feel to be dating again?”

“I’ve been having a lot of fun,” Joe replied. “But man, I think I’m ready to settle down. Get serious with one woman.”

Pete looked at Joe, puzzled. The guy just returned from hell and wanted to go back? I was equally discombobulated. Pete asked, “Why the rush to settle down?”

Joe paused, considering the question thoughtfully. “All this going out and partying is getting expensive. I can’t afford to party all the time.”

It didn’t take an accountant to figure out that Joe’s last steady relationship cost him an arm and a leg, plus and eye and a thigh. “Can you afford to settle down again?” I asked. “You looking to get cleaned out again?”

Pete laughed. Joe looked at his drink, his eyes full of melancholy. “I was only being facetious,” I said.

“No, you’re absolutely right. Love always has a price tag. It never comes cheap.” Joe smiled wistfully and guzzled his drink. I changed the topic and ordered us another round.

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Nov 08

I sat at a booth near the dance floor, watching the crowd. A club chick sat next to me with her legs on my lap. She was a Saturday night regular who liked to cling to me and give me updates to her life story every weekend.

Most of the time, she talked about her boyfriend–some guy who dissected molecules for a living. He despised the club scene, which explained why I’d never seen him around. He was square. Safe. Marriage material. My clingy dame told me she was engaged to him, but her body language said she was having second thoughts. “How do you know when a guy is in love with you?”

Her lips lingered near my ear a little bit longer than they should have. I pulled on my cigarette and pondered her question as I blew smoke into the crowd. I wasn’t qualified to give an answer. My dating history was a series of head on collisions punctuated by the occasional train wreck. What the hell did I know of love? “That’s a good question, kid,” I replied. “But I’ve got a better one for you: how do you feel?”

She pouted, crossed her arms and tensed up. “My neck is killing me,” she declared. Spoiled brat. I turned her away from me and slowly massaged her neck. Three or four songs later, she grabbed my wrists, put my arms around her waist, reclined against me and rested her cheek on my collar. I could have sworn I heard her whisper, “I hate you.”

Her warm breath tickled my neck and sent a jolt down my spine. She reached back, put her hand on the back of my head and guided my mouth to hers. I hesitated momentarily–long enough to acknowledge to myself that this was a bad idea. And then I braced myself for another collision.

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